How to pick up girls, when you have a creepy mustache- chapter one

Creepy mustache

It is the same story over and over. You have grown up waiting for that moment when you could grow a sweet-ass mustache like Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck. Now that you have this sweet-ass mustache, you are finding that it is even harder to meet girls than before you had any facial hair. This is not uncommon. Mustaches are a bold statement and will intimidate many girls. This means that it will take a little extra work on your part. Sure you could shave off your mustache, but then you are competing with all those other face shaving sheep.

Many people these days refer to “Sweet-ass Mustaches” as “Creepy Mustaches.” This is because the Mustaches personality is all in how you wear it. If you are timid it is “creepy”… bold and it is “Sweet-ass.” I assume that if you are reading this it is because you have a “Creepy Mustache,” and desire to turn things around. You are in luck I have a few tips that may help.

Tip #1: Buy a vehicle that compliments your “Creepy Mustache”

Creepy mustache van

Girls like a guy with reliable transportation and come on… vans just scream “Party!”

Tip #2: Dress Appropriately

With a mustache girls begin to think, “this guy must be too good to be true… there has to be a catch.” Therefore it is best to show that you have the whole package. Tight Pants help accentuate what ever figure you have… girls like this… also a good addition would be a shiny tight shirt, cause girls like shiny things. It is best to wear the shirt half buttoned. Nothing complements a “sweet-ass” mustache like “sweet-ass” chest hair; so show it. Girls like accessories like big shiny belt buckles, and big shiny watches, and chains with dragon pendants. This lets them know that you have money and good taste. If you don’t have a shiny tight button up shirt it can be replaced with a groovy t-shirt with a “sweet-ass” logo and an inappropriate v-neck. Here are some visual examples

Creepy Mustache attireCreepy Mustache v neck
Tip #3: Know where to meet girls.

Mustaches are a style that has experienced a lull in the fashion world. They have often come in and out of style throughout history. They were huge during the seventies, but less so in the eighties and nineties. Now we are experiencing resurgence in mustaches, but because of this the demographic of women that like mustaches are split with a group in the middle that is missing out. Ignore the girls in the middle, they grew up in a confused time and it is unlikely you can rehabilitate them into mustache lovers. Instead hang out at places that support the demographic of women that like mustaches. I suggest bingo halls and high schools.

Thank you for your time. Look forward to future tips, and buy my books and videos on this subject when they come out. A special thanks to Alex Shane and Samantha Clark for helpful suggestions.


Aaron Todd Alden Esq.


6 Responses to “How to pick up girls, when you have a creepy mustache- chapter one”

  1. August 13, 2008 at 10:41 pm

    Sweet page.. I’m going for the Megan’s Law mustache. It’s of a thicker variety, slight handle bar, thick, and rich in color. This brand is sure to attract those looking for a rape like encounter and repel those who perfer eye contact before sex..

  2. August 13, 2008 at 10:50 pm

    Trust me man… if I could grow a thicker mustache I would… I have idolized Tom Selleck since I was a small child… but I’m just not meant to be him… I am also a huge fan of Jesse “Boots Electric” Hughes… of both his music and his crop of facial hair… someday… someday…

  3. January 7, 2009 at 10:32 am

    LOL loved the article! You da man! :0)

  4. 4 Lol
    August 27, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    This was a wonderful thing to read, it starts out serious like its not a joke and could even sell you something. all i could think about was fear and loathing, and dazed and confused. the mustache must die ='( its a sad day when a mustache dies for this gives rise to the hairpiece people… they walk among us!

  5. November 13, 2010 at 2:27 am

    Seriously facial hair is groossss, a man must have something to hide if he needs it, shave the face or stay away, lol

  6. 6 anti-hitler stache
    January 31, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Hey guys, thanks so much for the advice. Looking online for vans as I type this. Just got my first fully-loaded stache, pretty much the best moment of my life was shaving off the surrounding beard Sunday morning for church. Anyways, just thought I’d share a description of my stache right here. It is what I call the “anti-hitler stache” as I don’t seem to grow as much hair in the center for about a centimeter, but it is full, thick, and beautiful on the outside. Hopefully one day I’ll maximize growth in the inner region, but for today I will just have to get along with my stache as is. Thanks again, can’t wait to rev my sex life back up!

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