Archive for June, 2008

27
Jun
08

How to pick up girls, when you have a creepy mustache- chapter one

Creepy mustache

It is the same story over and over. You have grown up waiting for that moment when you could grow a sweet-ass mustache like Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck. Now that you have this sweet-ass mustache, you are finding that it is even harder to meet girls than before you had any facial hair. This is not uncommon. Mustaches are a bold statement and will intimidate many girls. This means that it will take a little extra work on your part. Sure you could shave off your mustache, but then you are competing with all those other face shaving sheep.

Many people these days refer to “Sweet-ass Mustaches” as “Creepy Mustaches.” This is because the Mustaches personality is all in how you wear it. If you are timid it is “creepy”… bold and it is “Sweet-ass.” I assume that if you are reading this it is because you have a “Creepy Mustache,” and desire to turn things around. You are in luck I have a few tips that may help.

Tip #1: Buy a vehicle that compliments your “Creepy Mustache”

Creepy mustache van

Girls like a guy with reliable transportation and come on… vans just scream “Party!”

Tip #2: Dress Appropriately

With a mustache girls begin to think, “this guy must be too good to be true… there has to be a catch.” Therefore it is best to show that you have the whole package. Tight Pants help accentuate what ever figure you have… girls like this… also a good addition would be a shiny tight shirt, cause girls like shiny things. It is best to wear the shirt half buttoned. Nothing complements a “sweet-ass” mustache like “sweet-ass” chest hair; so show it. Girls like accessories like big shiny belt buckles, and big shiny watches, and chains with dragon pendants. This lets them know that you have money and good taste. If you don’t have a shiny tight button up shirt it can be replaced with a groovy t-shirt with a “sweet-ass” logo and an inappropriate v-neck. Here are some visual examples

Creepy Mustache attireCreepy Mustache v neck
Tip #3: Know where to meet girls.

Mustaches are a style that has experienced a lull in the fashion world. They have often come in and out of style throughout history. They were huge during the seventies, but less so in the eighties and nineties. Now we are experiencing resurgence in mustaches, but because of this the demographic of women that like mustaches are split with a group in the middle that is missing out. Ignore the girls in the middle, they grew up in a confused time and it is unlikely you can rehabilitate them into mustache lovers. Instead hang out at places that support the demographic of women that like mustaches. I suggest bingo halls and high schools.

Thank you for your time. Look forward to future tips, and buy my books and videos on this subject when they come out. A special thanks to Alex Shane and Samantha Clark for helpful suggestions.

Sincerely,

Aaron Todd Alden Esq.

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26
Jun
08

The Banjo McMurphy 2008 Blind-Folded Mini-Golf Open

It was a spectacular turn out on this summers day. It was a group that perfectly represented America. The perfectly diverse Southern Oregon group of young and old, and people of different races, all coming together… to fight each other, over one prize. Of the 17 people that showed up to compete, there were 5 elder people that didn’t associate with the rest of us, one token black girl, and a bunch of whities. Like I said, perfectly representative.
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Anyway the competition was stiff. The rules were, that you had to be blindfolded for the first stroke of every hole. The competition dominated the family fun center. The language of competition golf play seemed to clash with the family atmosphere… a lot of parents were shocked and children were amazed. Some of the competitors dressed up, while others remained in their casual clothes, hoping the comfort might give them an edge.
Team Whiskey… named for obvious reasons… was by far the loudest team…
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The loud flashy team seemed to dominate the attention of the entire establishment, and just when things would quite down, you would hear, ” Team… WHISKEYYYYYY!”
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The competition made themselves known, but I don’t have pictures of the rest of them.
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Yet the competition went on, nobody was arrested and nobody was kicked out… and nobody was killed…
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… that was a win in itself. At the end of the night the strokes were tallied… there was some confusion on the part of our drunken host… but eventually the awards were given.
Best Dressed of course went to me.
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Worst score went to Stephanie… she was a good sport and she took her prize gracefully…
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And The winner of the Banjo McMurphy 2008 Blind-Folded Mini-Golf Open was Dan “King of the Mini Putter” Alden
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Hope to see you all out there again next year, or at the next Banjo McMurphy production.

03
Jun
08

John Mayer Douchebag… or Genius… think about it

So I was looking at Yahoo news and there is a headline…

Aniston’s Bad Choice; According to this blogger, John Mayer is overrated, and Jennifer Aniston can certainly do better.

Like just cause they have a blog their opinion matters, everyone has blogs… they’re free… this person writes for shine/yahoo… I doubt she gets paid much… I bet this whole blogger thing has kicked the shit out of freelance journalism… you get just as good of work for free…. and it is the same… other peoples opinions that don’t matter… besides, I don’t understand you guys are so hard on John Mayer for getting a girl that is too good for him, every guy tries to get chicks that are out of their league… that is the point… Nobody wants to date girls the girls that are in their league… that is like eating the generic cereal… sure it taste pretty much the same… but there is something just not right about it… besides John Mayer and I have a lot in common… it really gives hope to guys like me… I’m like the generic “John Mayer”… like a Jon Maier… with my hit songs; “Your Body Is A Waterbed” and ” Waiting For The World To Make Change”… of course I’m not waiting anymore, I found the secret

Me making change

You would automatically think that it is bad luck to steal people’s change out of wishing ponds… it’s like stealing their wishes… bad luck… right… well, not if you run it through one of those penny souvenir stamper things… now it says “My lucky penny… Oregon”…

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which is fitting, cause Oregon is my favorite state… I live here… I was born here… that is all I know… so who cares if John Mayer is banging Jennifer Aniston… I think he’s awesome… I don’t like his music… but it obviously works for him… and that is awesome… as a matter of fact I think John Mayer deserves a sticker… it would look like this….

You're Awesome Sticker

So… Yahoo… yes I’m talking to you… I’m a blogger… you tell the world what I say…