My Crazy Life

Where do I even begin. It must have been like three weeks ago now… or was it just two… so much has happened. I guess I will start at the beginning of this little story. It was a Friday and I didn’t have to work, so it was a free day. I figured I could get a lot done. My plan was to put brake pads on my grandparents van then go over to my brother Dan’s house for dinner. Well it was raining and it was cold, even inside the garage. But I got the brakes done and as I was cleaning up I saw a taxi pull in the driveway. I put the things I was holding in the back of my truck, and by the time I walked to my grandparents house, there was a drunk guy standing in the yard yelling. I couldn’t even understand what he was saying. I asked if I could help him, he said he his name was Freddy and he was a friend of my grandparents from Martinez, CA. So I suggested that we go inside. He started talking to my grandparents…. I was trying to get a hold of my mom and figure out who the hell this guy was… My mom didn’t even know he was coming… by the time I got back in the living room, Freddy was nowhere to be seen. I looked outside the door… nothing, but the blackness of night…I walked down to the barn… and I could see his flashlight moving around… he lets me know that he intends to sleep down there… I’ll have you know that the barn is on it’s last leg. It is old and rotten and there holes in the roof, and he doesn’t even appear to have a sleeping bag, but I didn’t think that him sleeping in the barn was a bad idea… He kept saying how beautiful my grandparents place was… I told him he should see it in the day time… He tells me that he hopes I smoke pot, cause he brought some for both of us… I tell him no thanks… He says he wished he had some cocaine… He tells me how he got a blowjob on the train and more gross stuff that I won’t repeat… He is drunk, crude, and scary… and he gets way to close when talking to me… I can smell the liquor on his breath… He offers me a cigarette… I told him I don’t smoke… He says, “oh, so you just smoke pot.”… I tell him again that I don’t smoke pot either… He keeps grabbing my shoulder and invading my space, like we are good friends… He tells me that he has $80,000 and he is here to help fix up the place… he says he wants to smoke some pot and hands me the flashlight… I’m thinking to myself that I hope my mom and the caregiver have figured out who this is and what to do… he starts digging in his bag… and starts pulling out clothing and laying it on a dirty campershell that is in the barn. He says he spilled whiskey on them… He pulls out some pot pipes that he had fashioned out of aluminum cans on the way up… he pulls out a vitamin bottle and opens it… I can hear that there is nothing in it… he smells it and tells me it smells good, like cocaine and b12… he wants me to smell it… I step back… he says, “don’t worry I already rinsed it out with water and drank it… he tells me how he is into righteous killings… not murder mind you… but people with demons in them… He tells me to shine the flashlight in his eyes so that I can know if he is the devil, God, or just good old Freddy… I do it, but I can’t tell for sure… He he says he grew up on a pig farm, and what you do is when you kill someone you feed them to the pigs (I instantly thought of the movie Snatch)… he says the pigs will eat everything but the teath… but who cares you can string them on a string, then you kill the pig and bury the demons… Now I really want away from him, and I have no idea what to do… he says he can’t find his whiskey and asks if my grandparents have any… I tell him no… so he wants me to take him to the bar… at first I say no, but then I think it might be better to have him at a bar than my grandparents, so I tell him that I’m going to tell my grandparents where I am going…. I go inside see what the caregiver has found out… Freddy is the son of my Grandfather’s best friend. Of course, my grandpa hasn’t seen Freddy for 35 years, when Freddy was 15… But nobody knows what to do… I see the taillights on my truck come on, and I remember that I left the keys in my ignition….So I tell them to figure it out and call me on my cell phone… I run outside and have to argue with Freddy to get out of the drivers seat… he finally does…I take Freddy to the bar… When we get there he starts hitting on all the girls… young, old, pretty, hideous… doesn’t matter to Freddy. He makes a general ass of himself, and embarrasses me… People want to fight him… I hoped that they would… After he has thoroughly pissed everyone off… we go to the bar across the street… the Cedarwood Saloon… and he starts pissing people off there… he goes to the bathroom… I haven’t received a phone call from my mom, so I call my brother, Dan…. he rounds up a posse and heads down… when Freddy comes back I tell him how my brothers are coming down, and we are gunna have a good time… It seems like it took them forever, but they do get there, I introduce them to Freddy…  I feel a lot better with my brothers Dan and Matt, and our friend Scott there… Freddy disappears into the bathroom again… My brother Dan notices that there is a transvestite over in the corner… I have seen a couple transvestites in my life… in Portland, and San Fransisco, but never in Grants Pass, OR… and it is not just any transvestite. He looks like he is out of some British comedy. He has a huge pearl necklace, and an eighties looking blousy dress that is so short you can see his ball bag when he sits down… pretty sick… but then Freddy comes out of the bathroom and he is wired and intense… I have no idea what he is on… but he keeps saying he wants the juke box turned up… and he stands there picking out songs for like fifteen minutes then he goes and hits on the transvestite, when he walks back over I tell him that it was a tranny and he says she had nice legs, but an ugly face… finally my mom calls… She had gotten a hold of Freddy’s brother who said that he is Bi-polar, off his meds, and if he gives us trouble we should call the police… So we have this nut job, who is off of the drugs he should be on and doped on who knows what that he shouldn’t be on, and he knows where my grandparents live… oh, and he is into righteous killings… I want to call the cops, but we don’t know what to say… and I can’t get away from Freddy long enough to call… so we stall, we play pool, and stall… finally at like 10:00 (not really that late at all) Freddy says he is tired and he’s gonna sleep in my truck and wait for us… as soon as he is out the door I am on the phone with the police. I very carefully explain to them the whole story… and… they say… they are too busy and can’t do anything tonight… I ask what I am supposed to do… they say find him a dry place to sleep, explain that he can’t come to my grandparents, and if he shows up call 911… I don’t know what to do… then we see a cop pulling someone over in front of the bar… so we go talk to him… Dan explains the situation, and how Freddy is crazy, and on drugs… and the cop says he can’t do anything without another officer present, and they are all busy… Dan asks if he could do something if Dan pulled Freddy out of my truck and kicked the shit out of him… the cop said then he could arrest them both… so it is a real catch-22… finally I decide that we can get him a hotel room and explain in the morning when he is sober that he can’t see my grandparents… so i put it on my credit card… the next morning I go make sure he gets checked out of the room, buy him coffee… he orders $20 in food… I pay for it… I carefully tell him that he can’t go out to my grandparents, we don’t want that kind of stuff around them… he seems to understand… but, that night he calls me and tells me he needs a favor, he ran up a $10 bar tab, and if I would come down and pay it, he would give me $100 when he gets it… I tell him that I have done all I can for him… he calls the next day… I tell him not to call anymore… he calls like ten more times… I call the police… they finally say that they will try to find him and tell him not to call… My Dad, has a great idea and calls both the taxi companies in town, and they say that the won’t drive him out to my grandparents house… I feel better, but I still stay out there all week… He called me on Thanksgiving, and wanted a ride… I told him I was busy… finally he called last Wednesday and said that he was leaving town and going to Washington to see his family… I told him that was good and wished him luck… what ever…


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