So like I said in my last post… I put up a personal ad on Craigslist… So far I have recieved one e-mail apearently from an asian woman, and a gay dude… which was really pretty crude and gross… but… I am not detered… I don’t want their love… and I’m certain I don’t want a craigslist girlfriend… I do want a revolution… I’m going to try to get a bunch of people… single people probably… to start posting personal ads… not looking for girlfriends… but just to bring up the standards for craigslist personals…. and to try to get the coolest responses… so I posted another ad… it is pretty awesome in itself

I think it is bold enough that any girl that responds to that, isn’t going to have their feelings hurt, when I’m not looking to date them… but maybe I can get them to join my revolution and put up some more awesome craigslist posts…. as part of my plan I e-mailed one guy and gave him suggestions on how to improve his post… cause it was really, really sad…. little suggestions, like using a better picture… and grammar… and not sounding desperate… I even used my friend Joshua Ryan Smith’s quote, “don’t look hungry, it makes people want to kick you in the teeth.” I just love that quote… this is gonna be fun… I already know that my friend Alex and his friend Buddy will totally put posts up… totally-awesome-sick posts… they are totally into that kind of thing…

At first I was hesitant to put my actuall photos up… the one before chopped off the top of my head… but still was obviously me… and these two… but they were just too perfect for the post… so they went up… and I will deal with the consequences… which I guess would be a kind of local fame… “king of the losers of the craigslist personals”…. kinda suits me I guess… I can live with it. Better to be the King of losers, than a jack of jack-asses… whatever that means…

I was at my brothers house, which has been the site of many of my worst decisions, which is a good preface for what all has happend this weekend…. but then again you could say that a lot of good has been done as well… and it could take years to figure out which is which… anyway we where hanging out talking over a few beers… reminiscing about years gone by, and moments of greatness… naturally the topic turned to our neck beards… my personal, crowning achievment… and I was like oh, I forgot, there was that one time when I was going to write a personals ad for my neckbeard on Craigslist, but I never got around to it… anyway to get to the point, by the end of the night I had my own personals ad up… it was intended for my mustache… but as my mustache was not feeling very photogenic, and the only camera we had was a cell phone… the add eventually ended up with this picture… and the add read…

I’m 22 and it’s my birthday. - 26 (Medford)

I have been checking the competition here on craigslist, and to be quite honest, I’m looking pretty good. We have

Girl Wanted!!!!!= Creepy on Craiglsist
Finally Free and ready to date medford area= Escaped convict, finally free to kill and rape again.

The only thing creepy about me is my awesome hip mustache and my crazy cool fashion sense. My interests are: quantum physics, obscure British imperialist literature, American beauty waltzes, early American folk music, spelunking, the Dewey-Decimal system, African-American history month,… oh… and sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll. So I would say that I am a pretty well rounded individual, intellectually… and super sexy hot, physically (see picture below). Not that I’m all that stuck up, but I am just o.k. with my appearance.

What I am looking for is a female… with a pulse… no kids… “Hip”, if at all possible… someone looking to enjoy life.
(I love kids… just not yours… I also like puppies.) Messages with pics get replies. Your face gets my face.

So that was really funny at the time… and still… you see “Creepy on Craigslist” is this guy

And “Escaped Convict”… this guy…

So that was my competition… oh and some blurry guy… who took offense… and wrote a post about me… but we got thing sorted out… anyway I thought the whole thing was pretty funny… although a lot of those ads are very sad… I chose the creepy ones to make fun of… and my ad reads like I am some pompus ass-hole… and I did not expect any resposes… and the origional plan with the neckbeard would have been guarenteed no responses… but sure enough… some girl did respond

“Hey, saw your post.  DO you like asian women?  What part of town are
you in? Are you around  ?”

What a strange question… undoubtedly… she must be asian… but still that seems like a strange question to ask someone… besides I was expecting pictures… and a picture would have sorted that out for her… but she did not send me a picture… I don’t even know how to respond… I wasn’t planning on having to… naturally I can’t be nice to her… I must go on living the lie… there is no backing out now… so I will repsond with…

“Why so many questions? Did you ask if I like asian women, because you are an asian woman, or because you like guys who like asian women?”

That should be suitable… hopefully that will get a response, but still scare her off… who knows… women are wierd… and women on craigslist are the wierdest…

we also started work on a stop motion film about hunting… it was origionally supposed to be claymation, but we found some super-narly-awesome action figures with like 16 points of articulation… so that’s pretty rad… and it will save a ton of time… and… we bought tickets to see Willie Nelson next Saturday… so all in all a good weekend.

If you are wondering why I haven’t posted in a while… well I would like to say that it is because my internet has been down for the last week… but I really wouldn’t have posted anything anyway… I feel like nothing has happend… but maybe this was the coolest day ever… even though nothing worth blogging about happened… I have been exercising a lot lately… bike rides… push ups… sit ups… whatever…. but I totally feel like I could kick someones ass… they would have to be small, or old, or something, but I could totally do it… I feel that good… I’m kinda stoked on the whole thing, even thought I have basically been against it my entire life… at the begining of summer I had a hard time riding my bike a mile… now I feel unstoppable… so today started at 7:00 and I rode a couple miles… barely broke a sweat… good start to a day… then I went home and Josh and I packed up the crucial elements of the recording studio… computer, AD converter, mixer, cables, mics… whatever… and we went to the local university… Southern Oregon University… to be exact… to record piano tracks for Josh’s new band… we had the studio set up and ready to record in 20 minutes… he tracked for about 3 hours…. with brakes of and on… he tracked 11 songs… then we had the studio packed up in about 7 minutes and we were out… it was amazing… I think we could pretty much set that thing up anywhere… it is our first attempt at mobile recording, and it went really well. Then tonight we went to the park about a mile from our house and they had projectors and were showing “Back to the Future”… there were a bunch of falling stars and such, and next week they are doing “Wizard of OZ”…Awesome… Well I didn’t proof read this… and I probably won’t… cause I’m tired… whatever… Well, catch ya later.

First thing I did on Tuesday was, went down to 7-Eleven and financed a Slurpee… Why?… cause I didn’t have the money to pay for it of course… Why you ask?… Very simple… LAS VEGAS, Baby!!… It was quite possibly the greatest weekend of my life. Wild. It all started with our plane being delayed a couple hours… not too big of a deal. When we got there though it was instantly worth it. We were staying at Mandalay Bay, which I highly recommend. They have nice rooms, nice pool. The downside was that it was on one end of the strip, so quite a hike… tram passes saved our lives.

This was the view from Dan and Erica’s room on the 30th floor. And life was good.

To be quite honest it is hard to recollect exactly what happend on the trip, but I will do my best. Friday we arrived from our plane ride, and checked into our rooms… awesome… then we ate dinner… awesome… then we hit the casinos… awesome… then we hiked six or eight blocks to buy beer from a little market for way too much money… awesome (the next day we found out there was a market half a block from our hotel… oops). But all was good. Partied the night away. The next day I woke up from my hangover… and no-one else was up… so I went to the pool. The pools were nice there was a couple regular pools… then they had a wave pool, that was cool, but basically made for small children… small waves… then there was the lazy river… that flowed in a circle… but you weren’t allowed to have drinks in the pool. Then I went back to the room… we went and got breakfast… then went back to the pools… we left there at about noon and hit the sites/casinos… we saw a bunch of the hotels… we walked half way down the strip and got tram tickets… made it to circus circus the whole time looking for a veil for Erica… cause she was getting married the next day… finally at circus circus we found a bridal shop, but they were closed… on the far end of the strip, the casinos are shadier, and the beers are cheaper… we gamble away for a little while, have ourselves a good time, then head back to the hotel… with plans to stop at the Belagio on the way…. we are cruizing right along… I picked up a sweet red goblet glass at the Sahara… and I am drinking beer out of it, I am feeling fairly inebriated… but not bad… the next thing I notice is that I am in Coyote Ugly, at the Excaliber. I turn to my friends, and start my detective work, “Hey, uh, I mean I’m not too worried about this and it is cool and all, but… how did I get here?… I thought we were going back to the hotel?”… appearently my memory gap was about three hours long… we had gone to the Belagio, and back to the hotel… I had passed out on Dan and Erica’s bed, they had played games of slaping me and drawing crude things on my face… then finally got me to wake up and go back to my room… for another little nap… then they woke me up and we went back to the Excalibur…

So there I was… I was dancing… (awesomely as I remember… I’m sure it looked great… one of the bartenders offered to pour liquor in my mouth… it turned out to taste like fruit punch, and the stopper in the bottle wasn’t in right and she spilt it all over the front of my white shirt… cool… then we went back to the casino floor… and there were these go go dancers at the roullette tables… or were they black jack tables… well anyway there were go go dancers… and one of them was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen… I looked at here and smiled… she smiled back…. so of course… I asked her to marry me… turns out she was already married… but I had to try… so we cruised around… saw some Canadian girls that tried to poke Jon’s eye out… then we went back to the room… and slept while The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly played on the T.V. I then woke up at noon… we ate breakfast, while Dan and Erica ran down to Circus Circus for a veil… the it was time to shower, iron clothes, then the limo showed up to take us to the Graceland Chapel…

Then we went to old towne Freemont street… had a great time… everyone was drinking, but I don’t remember it ever being out of control….

Then we went back to the hotel room… and the girls went to sleep… but that town was hoppin’… so us guys were left with no choice but to go out and experience Las Vegas proper… last night there… so we went to ummmm…. clubs all night… made it back just in time to get showers… hit the slots… and catch our shuttle to the airport… we were just Jazzed and chock full of energy….. well kinda…

And we got home safe and sound… everyone broke… but everyone alive and not in jail… so I consider that a win… all in all… a great trip.

Memorable Fuzzy Moments:

Very audibly telling drug dealer that “No, I DON’T WANT ANY CRANK” apparently he had asked if I wanted coke… but I misunderstood.

Oh, Las Vegas… I have so many amazing stories that I can never tell…

Rat On a Cheetah Films just completed another hit video. It was pretty much Dan’s idea… and a good one at that. As usual there was no script written out before hand so everybody pretty much adlibbed their lines or at least adlibbed them on the take before… and considering that I am impressed with how it turned out.

Rat on a Cheetah Films

A Whiskey Dick’s Production

Starring: Dan Alden, Erica Alden, Boston Bean Alden, Aaron Todd Alden Esq., Matt Alden, Tim Alden, Scott Lewis, Tasha Lewis, and Jesse Fu$*ing Smith

Warning: This Video Contains Excessive Use Of Obscenities, and it is very loud.

the video is at : http://www.funnyordie.com/aarontoddalden

I am still trying to figure out what happened in Vegas, and just how to explain it. So maybe someday you can read about that… but for now you get this.

I just wrote a short play… I don’t know why… I was just watching a video on Funny or Die and it wasn’t even really related to this, but this idea struck me funny… I don’t know where it came from… but I just started writing and this is what I got… I don’t know what I will do with it… it doesn’t have a strong finish… if anyone has any suggestions…feel free to chime in.

Between a Man and Woman

Phone rings… man picks it up

Man: Hello?

Woman: We need to talk, can we meet for dinner?

Man:… yeah, sure.

They set up time and place… whatever.

They are at restaurant.

Man: So what is this about?

Woman: Well, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

Man: But, we aren’t even dating… we are just friends.

Woman: Yeah, but I just can’t do this anymore.

Man: Listen, we don’t have to break up.

Woman: No, I think we do… I just can’t take it anymore.

Man: No, I mean we aren’t dating. We don’t have to break up. If you don’t want to be friends all you have to do is stop hanging out with me. I mean, I don’t even know your phone number… you are the one who calls to hang out with me…

Woman: Exactly my point. I don’t think you are putting enough effort in to this relationship.

Man: What relationship? We are just friends.

Woman: Not any more.

Man: (confused, but playing along) O.K. well that’s fine. I guess we won’t hang out anymore.

Woman: I’m glad you are taking this well.

Man: Uh, yeah, well I’m gonna get going.

Woman: O.K. well, do you want to go to the zoo tomorrow?

Man:…

Woman: I thought you liked the zoo?

Man: Well yeah I like the zoo, but why would we hang out together if we aren’t friends?

Woman: Well I didn’t mean that we’d go as friends… I just thought… you know… we could go as strangers, or something… I mean… we can still be strangers right?

The End.

That is what I got… weird eh? Sometimes I creep myself out… what a freak.

It is the same story over and over. You have grown up waiting for that moment when you could grow a sweet-ass mustache like Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck. Now that you have this sweet-ass mustache, you are finding that it is even harder to meet girls than before you had any facial hair. This is not uncommon. Mustaches are a bold statement and will intimidate many girls. This means that it will take a little extra work on your part. Sure you could shave off your mustache, but then you are competing with all those other face shaving sheep.

Many people these days refer to “Sweet-ass Mustaches” as “Creepy Mustaches.” This is because the Mustaches personality is all in how you wear it. If you are timid it is “creepy”… bold and it is “Sweet-ass.” I assume that if you are reading this it is because you have a “Creepy Mustache,” and desire to turn things around. You are in luck I have a few tips that may help.

Tip #1: Buy a vehicle that compliments your “Creepy Mustache”

Girls like a guy with reliable transportation and come on… vans just scream “Party!”

Tip #2: Dress Appropriately

With a mustache girls begin to think, “this guy must be too good to be true… there has to be a catch.” Therefore it is best to show that you have the whole package. Tight Pants help accentuate what ever figure you have… girls like this… also a good addition would be a shiny tight shirt, cause girls like shiny things. It is best to wear the shirt half buttoned. Nothing complements a “sweet-ass” mustache like “sweet-ass” chest hair; so show it. Girls like accessories like big shiny belt buckles, and big shiny watches, and chains with dragon pendants. This lets them know that you have money and good taste. If you don’t have a shiny tight button up shirt it can be replaced with a groovy t-shirt with a “sweet-ass” logo and an inappropriate v-neck. Here are some visual examples

Tip #3: Know where to meet girls.

Mustaches are a style that has experienced a lull in the fashion world. They have often come in and out of style throughout history. They were huge during the seventies, but less so in the eighties and nineties. Now we are experiencing resurgence in mustaches, but because of this the demographic of women that like mustaches are split with a group in the middle that is missing out. Ignore the girls in the middle, they grew up in a confused time and it is unlikely you can rehabilitate them into mustache lovers. Instead hang out at places that support the demographic of women that like mustaches. I suggest bingo halls and high schools.

Thank you for your time. Look forward to future tips, and buy my books and videos on this subject when they come out. A special thanks to Alex Shane and Samantha Clark for helpful suggestions.

Sincerely,

Aaron Todd Alden Esq.

It was a spectacular turn out on this summers day. It was a group that perfectly represented America. The perfectly diverse Southern Oregon group of young and old, and people of different races, all coming together… to fight each other, over one prize. Of the 17 people that showed up to compete, there were 5 elder people that didn’t associate with the rest of us, one token black girl, and a bunch of whities. Like I said, perfectly representative.

Anyway the competition was stiff. The rules were, that you had to be blindfolded for the first stroke of every hole. The competition dominated the family fun center. The language of competition golf play seemed to clash with the family atmosphere… a lot of parents were shocked and children were amazed. Some of the competitors dressed up, while others remained in their casual clothes, hoping the comfort might give them an edge.
Team Whiskey… named for obvious reasons… was by far the loudest team…

The loud flashy team seemed to dominate the attention of the entire establishment, and just when things would quite down, you would hear, ” Team… WHISKEYYYYYY!”

The competition made themselves known, but I don’t have pictures of the rest of them.

Yet the competition went on, nobody was arrested and nobody was kicked out… and nobody was killed…

… that was a win in itself. At the end of the night the strokes were tallied… there was some confusion on the part of our drunken host… but eventually the awards were given.
Best Dressed of course went to me.

Worst score went to Stephanie… she was a good sport and she took her prize gracefully…

And The winner of the Banjo McMurphy 2008 Blind-Folded Mini-Golf Open was Dan “King of the Mini Putter” Alden

Hope to see you all out there again next year, or at the next Banjo McMurphy production.

So I was looking at Yahoo news and there is a headline…

Aniston’s Bad Choice; According to this blogger, John Mayer is overrated, and Jennifer Aniston can certainly do better.

Like just cause they have a blog their opinion matters, everyone has blogs… they’re free… this person writes for shine/yahoo… I doubt she gets paid much… I bet this whole blogger thing has kicked the shit out of freelance journalism… you get just as good of work for free…. and it is the same… other peoples opinions that don’t matter… besides, I don’t understand you guys are so hard on John Mayer for getting a girl that is too good for him, every guy tries to get chicks that are out of their league… that is the point… Nobody wants to date girls the girls that are in their league… that is like eating the generic cereal… sure it taste pretty much the same… but there is something just not right about it… besides John Mayer and I have a lot in common… it really gives hope to guys like me… I’m like the generic “John Mayer”… like a Jon Maier… with my hit songs; “Your Body Is A Waterbed” and ” Waiting For The World To Make Change”… of course I’m not waiting anymore, I found the secret

You would automatically think that it is bad luck to steal people’s change out of wishing ponds… it’s like stealing their wishes… bad luck… right… well, not if you run it through one of those penny souvenir stamper things… now it says “My lucky penny… Oregon”…

which is fitting, cause Oregon is my favorite state… I live here… I was born here… that is all I know… so who cares if John Mayer is banging Jennifer Aniston… I think he’s awesome… I don’t like his music… but it obviously works for him… and that is awesome… as a matter of fact I think John Mayer deserves a sticker… it would look like this….

So… Yahoo… yes I’m talking to you… I’m a blogger… you tell the world what I say…

It was awesome… I saw the jets fly over… and I went to the Oregon Caves for the first time… I wish I could have shown you…. but I lost my camera before I went though… I just found it… the story would be way better with photos… to bad…. just kidding… I will tell the whole story as soon as I get the photos from my friends.